Hey sober party people, non-party people, and people who just want to put in a quick appearance at the party so they get credit for showing up and then make a beeline for the car–
I’ve published an essay on Medium about the loneliness of early sobriety, the importance of people who get it, and how going to my first AA meeting nearly gave me a heart attack. Some of it was inspired by blog entries I wrote here, but with significant expansion and reshaping–in other words, having read the blog entries does not excuse you from checking out the essay. Nope.
Here it is. I hope you’ll let me know what you think! XO, Kristi
Off-Dry 
That was really awesome! I loved it
Awesome! Write more!
That was fantastic! I am 5 months but still too scared to attend a meeting. I am going to explore that feeling a little more. And then yeah….have to DO something besides plot & plan. Wonderful essay! Lori
I like your essay a lot. I remember your blog post about that cafe, and being lonely, and going to a meeting. (And I agree, your essay is expanded and polished and well worth a read even for one who has read the blog!) I think the loneliness of being sober was part of why I returned to drinking again for a while, but I found out that it doesn’t really go away. For me that loneliness may well be more about what is is to be human, just that I wasn’t as aware of it when I used to drink, and once I was aware, I could never quite forget it again in quite the same way. I have wondered how it’s gone for you. Did you keep going to meetings? Find some people? I know your essay is more literary than simply narrative, and this is a bit like writing an author you like and saying, “I love your story. What happens next?” Still, that’s what I’m asking. Anyway, I do hope you’re well. Thanks for the wonderful read. xo
Thankyou for sharing this Kristi, 90 days in and the loneliness is palpable, I have always shirked away from the thought of meetings but reading this makes me think I might give it some more serious consideration in the months to come. Huge congratulations to you on Day 831! x
Fantastic essay, both content-wise and from a writing stand-point. One of my favorite lines: “I looked him dead in the eye. “I made and then broke a promise to myself every single day for twelve years,” I said. “I failed myself every. Single. Day. And now I don’t. Do you seriously think I give a fuck whether my food could taste five percent better?”
This was wonderful to read. Thank you. I want to go to a meeting, but am also really nervous. And know I will have a scenario and gameplan in my head too…
The amount of times I’ve had to bite my tongue from saying something similar to this… “Nah, I just randomly wanted to pull the tablecloth out from under my whole life.”
Made me laugh. Thanks.
I loved your essay and can relate so much. Literally all of the adults in my family, including my husband, and all of my friends who live in my area drink. I went to my first meeting 2 or 3 months in, I was desperate to find some sober women. I found a great women’s meeting and the wonderful, smart, funny, caring women are now my tribe. Many of them have years, even decades, of sobriety. They aren’t going to meetings, white knuckling it; they are going to meetings happily, to see their friends, to discuss the beauty of sobriety. That beauty is really only visible to people like us- people who were in the alcohol trap and escaped. People in the trap can’t access it by definition; people who never got into the trap feel this way all the time, it has no definition for them, they can’t see it. We celebrate it and treasure it. My AAers are like older sisters or aunts, people who care, and who can advise based on their experience. I don’t think AA is necessary, but if you can find a good group that fits you, it makes things much easier and more enjoyable.
I am sitting here bawling, in a good way, after reading that essay. I am in the “making and breaking a promise every single day” part and this has given me such a sense of hope. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.