Day 139: Things are getting kind of real

It’s day 139 and I’m just tired. I’m not going to drink–I don’t even particularly want to drink–but I’m missing my pink cloud. Everything just seems to be weighing down on me–work insane; mother having potentially serious heart problems; short, dark days with no sun. The prospect of visiting my parents to check on my mom, which will mean navigating some very conflicted emotions, not to mention a sister with borderline personality disorder who directs most of her anger at me. Not to mention that, well, I guess I’m pretty scared that my mom is going to die before I’ve even figured out how I feel about her. 

And sobriety itself feels so normal by now (much of the time, anyway) that I’m not stopping to remember how much better it is than drinking. I miss waking up in the morning and being so grateful for my clear eyes, my lack of a headache. Nowadays I just wake up and start worrying about everything I have to get done that day. Maybe I need to slow down, be gentler with myself, start noticing the good stuff again. Maybe I’m just missing the days when all I had to do was be sober, when now it seems like I have to do everything and feel everything all at once. 

4 thoughts on “Day 139: Things are getting kind of real

  1. “Maybe I need to slow down, be gentler with myself, start noticing the good stuff again. Maybe I’m just missing the days when all I had to do was be sober, when now it seems like I have to do everything and feel everything all at once.”

    Ooof, I can relate. What things do you do to take care of yourself? Have you ever written a “I’m grateful” list? Sometimes I only put one thing on it, and that one thing might be having clean underwear that day, but sometimes it helps to sweep the table clean and look at a bright spot. (Taking the analogy maybe too far, it isn’t sweeping the stuff under a rug, it’s just kind of like taking a breath.) I’m sorry those things are going on with your momma and sister.

  2. I have been feeling like that too… that it is time to deal with EVERYTHING. Drunky drunk girl left a nice comment on my blog yesterday saying that I don’t have to deal with it until I am ready…all I have to do right now is stay sober. Same goes for you! I like the idea of being gentler. xx

  3. Newly sober here. I’m sorry about your mom. I lost mine in 2000, and never had a good relationship with her. Looking back, I wish I could have simply accepted her where she was, flaws and all. I wish I could have almost detached from the “mom” part and just treated her as a fellow human being. I hope you find your version of a peaceful place with your mom before she goes. I’ll be watching for updates. And I might be drinking vinegar while I watch.. 🙂

  4. We all go through that – we feel that initial rush of spirit in us, and now we start to settle back into *life*. don’t be discouraged by it. It’s difficult to maintain that initial high of sobriety. But we get to a place where we get a more sustained contentment. Sort of like losing the spike of caffeine and Red Bull, but getting the sustained level of fruit and fruit juices keeping our blood sugars in balance rather than the rollercoaster the former two give us.

    I like what you said about being gentle on yourself. Cut yourself some slack. 139 days is a lot, but it is still early in terms of settling in emotionally, mentally, spiritually. At least is was for me – it was about this time in my own recovery that I was going through what you are right now. It passes and things do get better 🙂

    Blessings,
    Paul

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s