It’s day 139 and I’m just tired. I’m not going to drink–I don’t even particularly want to drink–but I’m missing my pink cloud. Everything just seems to be weighing down on me–work insane; mother having potentially serious heart problems; short, dark days with no sun. The prospect of visiting my parents to check on my mom, which will mean navigating some very conflicted emotions, not to mention a sister with borderline personality disorder who directs most of her anger at me. Not to mention that, well, I guess I’m pretty scared that my mom is going to die before I’ve even figured out how I feel about her.
And sobriety itself feels so normal by now (much of the time, anyway) that I’m not stopping to remember how much better it is than drinking. I miss waking up in the morning and being so grateful for my clear eyes, my lack of a headache. Nowadays I just wake up and start worrying about everything I have to get done that day. Maybe I need to slow down, be gentler with myself, start noticing the good stuff again. Maybe I’m just missing the days when all I had to do was be sober, when now it seems like I have to do everything and feel everything all at once.